I can do it...all by myself!

I was having a snack with my almost 5 year old daughter this afternoon. She chose a small bag of Cheetos and naturally I reached over to help her open the package. She snatched it away from me saying, "I can do it all by myself! I am big now, Mommy." I went back to my snack and let her be a big girl. I couldn't help but notice, though, she was really struggling with that bag of chips. She pulled this way and that way but the bag just wouldn't budge. She struggled a minute, and after what felt like forever to me she finally conceded, "Well, maybe this time you will have to help me just a little bit." I just wanted to hug her, and I did, after I helped her open her bag.

Isn't it funny that it is in those seemingly insignificant everyday occurrences the Lord speaks to me so profoundly. So many times I have approached the task at hand, and although I may not tell the Lord outright that I can handle things on my own, I say it through my independence and omission of prayer. He doesn't force His will on me or laugh at my misguided confidence in my own abilities. Instead, He waits.

Sometimes things go okay but I don't feel the joy I thought I would, but more often than not things go horribly wrong and I realize how much I needed my Heavenly Father. The very moment I confess this and turn to Him, He is there. He doesn't say, "I told you so," and He doesn't turn His back to teach me a lesson. He opens His arms and lovingly covers me with His grace and faithfully restores the situation.

Smiles and Tears

Well, here we are. My baby is going to start Pre-K tomorrow. This is a day we all knew would come. However, I never imagined it would come so quickly. I have been blessed to be home with her since she was born and was even given a bonus year since she has a September birthday. These last five years have been filled with some of the most joyful, proud, humbling, challenging days of my life so far.

I love being Kaley's Mom. She is such a special little girl. She is curious, inquisitive, insightful and articulate. She observes everything around her and has an amazing memory. She is creative and her imagination seems to have no limit. She is funny, and sensitive and wants everyone to be her friend. She is also headstrong, impatient, dramatic, and quick tempered. I have often wondered if her ears actually work. Even as a baby she seemed to have a mind of her own and endless energy.

I find it hard to believe all she has learned in five years and all the ways she has grown. I am even more astounded at what I have learned. I am not near as patient as I would have liked to believe I was. I too am headstrong and have too quick a temper. I never knew all the ways being a mom would transform me and how precious His supply of grace would become. Loving my children has given me a much deeper appreciation of God's unconditional love for me. It is true what they say about "Having children is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body." I want so much to keep her close and protect her from anyone or anything that could hurt her. The truth is though, that even in my care I have no guarantee of her safety.

From the time she was born I have prayed for the Lord to keep her safe and keep her well. I have thanked the Lord for loving her more than I can and always acknowledged that she is His and not really mine. And still, I find myself lacking the faith to actually let go even in little ways. Preschool is only a few hours each day but it is just the beginning of a lifetime of letting her leave my care and entrusting her to His. I was encouraged by something I read yesterday. AW Tozer said, "Wherever we are, God is here. There is no place, there can be no place where He is not." I was comforted by the truth that God is with me and there was no where His love for me couldn't reach and ever so gently the Lord spoke to my heart and reassured me that He was not only with me but with each of those I love. I don't need to be afraid of letting my children grow up. There is absolutely nowhere they can go without the Lord being there with them.

Tomorrow is a big day and will be a bittersweet mixture of smiles and tears. It makes me sad to see just how far away we are from the days I first held her in my arms but I too am so full of joy to see her growing up and being the little girl she is today. I am proud of her and humbled at the opportunity given me to be her mom. Her excitement is contagious and I look forward to seeing her embrace the challenges of this new experience.

Beautiful Flowers

In college I read a book called "The 5 Love Languages" written by Dr. Gary Chapman. After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.

Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

I can honestly say this book changed my life. It just made sense and changed the way I express and interpret love. I confess, when I began to read this book, I approached it from a purely selfish point of view. I was so excited to see such a clearly defined example of how I express myself and why. It became clear to me that if somehow all the people who loved me could just read this book they would know exactly what to do to make me feel special and feel truly loved. But exactly how was I going to get everyone to read it and see what I saw? Hmmm.... I tried looking at it from a different perspective and saw glimpses of enlightenment of how I could convey my love to others in a way they could receive it better. I still couldn't figure out how to make others love me better, though.

While dating my husband and even into the beginning of our marriage it was no secret that we spoke different languages. I longed to hear him share his heart through mushy love letters or surprise me with loving romantic gestures such as sending flowers, making reservations, or just telling me how much he adored me. He on the other hand being practical to a fault had no natural inclination to do any of these things. There was no end to the things he would do for me, however. He has never once complained about helping with anything that needs done around the house. He has cooked, done the dishes, cleaned my stove, scrubbed the bathrooms, mopped the floor, washed the windows made the bed, changed diapers, fed babies, watched toddlers, given the girls their baths or any number of things that needed done or would lighten my load. Not to mention he has always emptied the trash, taken care of the yard and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have had to pump my own gas in the time we have been together. I truly appreciated all of these things and yet there would be times I still felt hurt and unnoticed. Finally a time would come and I would tell him how I felt only to feel awful because it would make him sad to think he'd hurt me. I knew without a shadow of doubt that he loved me and that he chose me even though my feelings deceived me.

Through the years I have spent much time in prayer, read many books, and have sought wisdom from others concerning my relationships with those I love. One very important thing I've realized is that no matter what happens between myself and another person I only have control over my own actions or reactions. Regardless of how I feel, I have to take it as from the Lord Himself. He arranges my environment and is in every detail of my circumstances and no one can do anything to me outside of His care for me and His desire to fulfill His purpose in my life. So even in my relationships and especially with my husband I needed to trust His love for me and give my feelings to the Lord.

I picked up "The 5 Love Languages" years later and read it again. This time after much growth in the Lord I received a completely different message. I began to appreciate the different love languages of the special people in my life and started accepting their expressions of love the way their heart spoke them. This was such a revelation to me. My husband and I will be married 14 years on the 16th of August. Over the years I have learned to embrace his gracious Acts of Service as the gifts of love that they are. I am overwhelmed at times at all the beautiful "flowers" he gives me through the many practical ways he cares for me daily. This is how he cherishes me and gives of himself because he loves me. Even sweeter still is that as our love continues to grow and as we are blessed with another day together we each become a little more bilingual.