Two Sides of a Blessing...

I remember the very moment each of my babies was first placed in my arms, and the way I felt my heart would burst, I loved them so much. With every part of my being I was humbled and in awe that each precious bundle was gifted to me specifically, a loan from God Himself, to fulfill His chosen purpose in each of our lives. Wow! What a joy and what an awesome responsibility. I knew in that moment, I was changed forever, and being a mother would be one of the greatest privileges ever given me. Only minutes later, however, as my physical fatigue began to set in, I became all too aware of how limited my human capacity was and that I would desperately need help from outside of myself to care for these needy little beings.

In my experience, NOTHING will expose your weaknesses and shortcomings quite like your children. It seems we have an innate ability to love our babies when they are born and we feel it when we are holding them, comforting them, watching them sleep, enjoying their cuteness, or indulging in moments of pride. This is the part of parenting we like to share with the people we talk to or write about on facebook. The truth is, parenting is alot of work and so much of what is required is not fun at all. Just like in marriage after the honeymoon, you soon realize that love is a decision and more about the many choices you make in spite of how you actually feel.

I have three toddlers, a four year old and two year old twins. Yes, they are cute. They bring me much joy and laughter, and fill my heart with pride. They are also very selfish, loud, and destructive and more times than I'd like to admit, I have found myself crying, running to my Mommy for comfort. Thankfully, each day has no more than 24 hours. Some days my girls aren't asleep for as many of those hours as I'd like but there comes a time every night when I see them sleeping and the details of the day are no longer important and I long to hold them. I am reminded once again of how blessed I am and know that after a good nights sleep and a few cups of coffee in the morning, I will be ready to embrace a new day, challenges and all.

Seasons Change...

I was tidying up the kitchen tonight after supper and was washing a few things at the sink. Nathan was reading to the girls in the other room so I found myself lost in thought while going through the motions of my mundane task. I happened to look up and on the shelf right in front of me something caught my eye. I have some decorative blocks that are glued together and each of the four sides represents a season. I realized it was still on WINTER and I thought to myself, "How sad, I missed the SPRING." As I said those words in my head, an even deeper meaning began to resonate in my heart.

Ecclesiastes 3 says, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven." I have often referred to various times of transition in my life as a season to try and give myself some perspective. Life is a series of transitions and change is certain just as the rhythms and design of the earth's seasons. It is inevitable. So many times, though, it seems I get stuck in whatever season I am in. I spend so much of my energy adapting and work so hard at surviving that I forget to expect a new season. Worse yet, is realizing that the Lord has blessed me with a fresh new season with it's unique beauty and never seeing it or being able to enjoy it for being consumed with my current reality.

Washing the Windows

I got a call early this morning letting me know I would be having some unexpected visitors. I was thankful for the call because it afforded me the opportunity to have myself, the girls and my house look a bit more presentable. After we were dressed I glanced around the house quickly to assess the priority. I swept the floor, washed the table, and counters, and opened the blinds, and front door in order to appear more welcoming. As the sun shone through the windows I was appalled at the grime that had built up. I quickly grabbed my spray bottle and paper towels and got to work. I wondered to myself just how they had gotten so dirty. I hadn't done anything purposefully to make them such a mess. It was just the natural result of everyday life. The kids hands and slobber, something splashing out of a cup, dust, wind, rain, etc..... It just happened and over time it had become difficult to see through the windows clearly even with the sun shining.

What a picture! Many times I have found myself trying to open up and let the Lord shine through me only to find a thick, built up film of selfishness, pride, bad attitudes, old disappointments and hurts muddling the view. I had good intentions and was trying to be obedient and express the Lord, however, I had not taken the time to be washed and by nature all these ugly things surfaced and built up over time. Oh, Lord, thank you for these pictures. Keep me coming to you in your Word each day, and keep me turning to you moment by moment, that I could be washed, so you are able to shine through me.

The difference a day makes...

Yesterday, we woke up early and took the girls out for breakfast. We wanted to celebrate as a family, my husbands new work schedule that would give us two days each weekend to spend together. Of course, you never really know what will happen when you take three toddlers anywhere. We took a deep breath and hoped for the best. To our delight they were happy and sweet and seemed eager to show the world just how well behaved they could be. We beamed, took pictures, and happily took them on several more errands throughout the day. When it was time for bed they fell asleep quickly and we sat down and smiled, feeling like such good parents. What a great day!

This morning, I stayed home from church, trying to pull our house together and do some extra cooking for some family members who have recently had surgery. I helped Nathan get the girls out the door to church and set about my work. Sundays are always hard because when we get home the girls are hungry and tired and it is way past their usual nap time. I thought they seemed to be handling it pretty good considering. The twins slept two hours and Kaley rested a few minutes. Nathan was pretty tired from the morning and I was beginning to get a bit frazzled trying to get everything done. We got our deliveries ready and loaded everyone in the van. Our first stop went smoothly but it was quick and I am the only one who got out. The second stop was at my in-laws. The girls were excited to see Granny and Grandpa. Granny had just come home from the hospital and we wanted to bring some food and say hi. I had let the girls know ahead of time that we wouldn't stay long because Granny needed to rest and that they couldn't get a bunch of things out and make a mess. They were good at first, then Kaley wanted something to eat and the twins were fighting over the pump organ. We decided we needed to leave before things got worse and it was almost dinner time.

Since it had been a busy day and the girls had been relatively good, we thought we'd be good parents and take them to Chick-fil-A to eat and play. We stopped at the house to get some socks and at that point Sophie began to have melt down, wanting out of the van. Thankfully it wasn't far away but unfortunately we forgot that they are not open on Sundays. We needed a quick plan B so reluctantly we drove to Burger King all the while listening to Sophie scream. Getting out of the van we hoped she would calm down and be okay. Not so. We hurry to order and suddenly Kaley has to go to the bathroom. I leave Nathan standing there holding the twins and take her. At some point I hear a child screaming and pray it is not Sophie. If I could hear her in the bathroom stall I could only imagine how loud she was up close. Leaving the bathroom I am certain it is Sophie and fight the urge to leave and pretend I don't know them. We get our food and are relieved when something as simple as a french fry stops the tears. That is until the twins see the slide. At that point it was a fight to get them to eat anything. Finally we go to play and notice it really isn't for two year olds. We weren't too worried because it didn't seem the twins would be able to even pull themselves up the stairs to play on the other levels. To our surprise and alarm, Zoe, pulls herself up and proceeds to the top. We are once again amazed at her strength and persistence. We ask Kaley to watch her and help her get to the slide which is on the opposite side. Zoe of course, wanted nothing to do with Kaley, and couldn't be more thrilled than to experiment with her new found freedom. After a while, when Kaley was tired of playing and Sophie was getting upset over being left out, it was evident we might have trouble getting Zoe down. She had no desire to come down. Finally, Nathan had to take off his shoes and climb part way up and coax her down. She began to cry and by the time we got to the van both of the twins were screaming once again. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and forget about this whole experience. I was exhausted and so embarrassed. We were those people you pray you don't see at restaurants and public places. Now we have come home, bathed them, and put them all in bed and I guess I should be thankful we only had to put the twins back in bed 6 times. It could've been worse.

It now seems that they are all asleep and I can finally hear myself think again. What a day! What happen? What did we do wrong? Are we bad parents? And as I sit back and begin to relax and reflect over the day, I am reminded of how heavy hearted I felt earlier in the day as I got news of someone I knew in college passing away. Even sadder still when I shared the news with another college friend who not long ago lost her precious little boy. I suddenly felt disgusted with myself. Here I was, feeling sorry for myself and being consumed with my selfish thoughts. It occurred to me that either of these precious families would give anything to spend even a very bad day with these loved ones they lost. I became overwhelmed with this realization. Did I really have anything to complain about? Oh Lord, forgive me for taking so many things for granted. What a difference a day makes. Now, I wonder, which was the better day? Yesterday went smoothly and I don't think I really took much time to even seek the Lord let alone thank Him. Today, I felt frazzled and like a failure and cried out to the Lord. I am ending this day with a heart full of thankfulness for those whom the Lord has blessed me with for now. What a difference a day makes.

Life: What happens when you make other plans

When I was a little girl, like most little girls, I dreamed about meeting my prince charming, getting married, having kids, and living happily ever after. I always imagined my prince would be tall, dark, and handsome with an outgoing, animated personality. That is until I met a quiet, laid back, blond haired, blue eyed boy who stole my heart at 13 years old. Granted it was 10 years later that we finally began our happily ever after. Those 10 years were full of the usual ups and downs, and, joys and heartaches that are apart of growing up. We dated other people and were even separated by 1300 miles for a few years while in college. The details that make up that part of our story we'll save for another day.

Before we were married and often when we talked about having children after we were married, I imagined having three or four little boys. We had decide to wait at least five years before starting our family. After five years, however, I began a three year process of orthodontia that involved two major mouth surgeries. So five years became nine years. We were blessed with our first baby who was a beautiful little girl and our lives were changed forever. Since we had waited so long to have children and weren't getting any younger we weren't certain we wanted to have more. Although I think we both kinda wanted to try for a boy. While adjusting to life as new parents, and as our daughter neared her first birthday, Neither of us were sure we wanted to start all over again with a new baby, so we decided to just enjoy the child we had and revisit our options in a year or two. That is until I became pregnant unexpectedly. Surprised? Yes! But we were so very excited. I was only a few weeks along but had already imagined a lifetime with our second child. Almost as quickly as we had been shocked with this news we were saddened by a miscarriage. It was amazing how quickly my heart could be consumed by something so intangible. This experience only made us certain we wanted another child, so we were happy to be expecting again almost four months later. Once more we were excited, although, perhaps a bit reserved . Unfortunately, after a few weeks, we seemed destined to relive our previous heartache, but thankfully that was not the case... I was carrying twins! What an emotional roller coaster. As this reality began to sink in, we started to wonder and speculate. Would we have two boys? Two girls? One of each? At 35 weeks I gave birth to two tiny but very healthy precious little girls. My imagined three or four boys was now a very real three little girls.

It is hard for a new mother to imagine just how much her life will change. My daydreams about my future with babies and children more closely resembled my pretending to play house as a little girl than to the reality awaiting me. When I played house my babies were always napping, and I went about my business. How little I knew of the obscene amounts of coffee I would need, to survive the many sleepless days and nights ahead, and of the unchecked to do lists. The busier I became the less time I had for daydreaming, so I learned more by trial and error. I had grand ideas of having picture perfect rooms for my kids only to find the contents of my color coordinated, neatly organized toy bins dumped into a pile just minutes after my proud unveiling. I was determined to keep a clean house; Now I simply pray the dust bunnies will stay put and that our guests will not have to go to the bathroom while visiting. I had hoped for idyllic family dinners. Now I lovingly prepare homemade meals and try not to be offended when my toddler asks for chicken nuggets. What happen?

After awhile you realize that the only guarantee you have when making plans is that likely things won't go according to plan. Kids get sick; they tend to be cranky when they don't nap; teething seems to last forever; they only want their hair fixed when your staying home. They don't appreciate the significance of a family picture, and they always have more energy than their parents. I'm learning to embrace each day and take it as it comes rather than react to the many ways it doesn't match what I planned it to be. My life really is everything I never knew I always wanted.