I can do it...all by myself!

I was having a snack with my almost 5 year old daughter this afternoon. She chose a small bag of Cheetos and naturally I reached over to help her open the package. She snatched it away from me saying, "I can do it all by myself! I am big now, Mommy." I went back to my snack and let her be a big girl. I couldn't help but notice, though, she was really struggling with that bag of chips. She pulled this way and that way but the bag just wouldn't budge. She struggled a minute, and after what felt like forever to me she finally conceded, "Well, maybe this time you will have to help me just a little bit." I just wanted to hug her, and I did, after I helped her open her bag.

Isn't it funny that it is in those seemingly insignificant everyday occurrences the Lord speaks to me so profoundly. So many times I have approached the task at hand, and although I may not tell the Lord outright that I can handle things on my own, I say it through my independence and omission of prayer. He doesn't force His will on me or laugh at my misguided confidence in my own abilities. Instead, He waits.

Sometimes things go okay but I don't feel the joy I thought I would, but more often than not things go horribly wrong and I realize how much I needed my Heavenly Father. The very moment I confess this and turn to Him, He is there. He doesn't say, "I told you so," and He doesn't turn His back to teach me a lesson. He opens His arms and lovingly covers me with His grace and faithfully restores the situation.

Smiles and Tears

Well, here we are. My baby is going to start Pre-K tomorrow. This is a day we all knew would come. However, I never imagined it would come so quickly. I have been blessed to be home with her since she was born and was even given a bonus year since she has a September birthday. These last five years have been filled with some of the most joyful, proud, humbling, challenging days of my life so far.

I love being Kaley's Mom. She is such a special little girl. She is curious, inquisitive, insightful and articulate. She observes everything around her and has an amazing memory. She is creative and her imagination seems to have no limit. She is funny, and sensitive and wants everyone to be her friend. She is also headstrong, impatient, dramatic, and quick tempered. I have often wondered if her ears actually work. Even as a baby she seemed to have a mind of her own and endless energy.

I find it hard to believe all she has learned in five years and all the ways she has grown. I am even more astounded at what I have learned. I am not near as patient as I would have liked to believe I was. I too am headstrong and have too quick a temper. I never knew all the ways being a mom would transform me and how precious His supply of grace would become. Loving my children has given me a much deeper appreciation of God's unconditional love for me. It is true what they say about "Having children is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body." I want so much to keep her close and protect her from anyone or anything that could hurt her. The truth is though, that even in my care I have no guarantee of her safety.

From the time she was born I have prayed for the Lord to keep her safe and keep her well. I have thanked the Lord for loving her more than I can and always acknowledged that she is His and not really mine. And still, I find myself lacking the faith to actually let go even in little ways. Preschool is only a few hours each day but it is just the beginning of a lifetime of letting her leave my care and entrusting her to His. I was encouraged by something I read yesterday. AW Tozer said, "Wherever we are, God is here. There is no place, there can be no place where He is not." I was comforted by the truth that God is with me and there was no where His love for me couldn't reach and ever so gently the Lord spoke to my heart and reassured me that He was not only with me but with each of those I love. I don't need to be afraid of letting my children grow up. There is absolutely nowhere they can go without the Lord being there with them.

Tomorrow is a big day and will be a bittersweet mixture of smiles and tears. It makes me sad to see just how far away we are from the days I first held her in my arms but I too am so full of joy to see her growing up and being the little girl she is today. I am proud of her and humbled at the opportunity given me to be her mom. Her excitement is contagious and I look forward to seeing her embrace the challenges of this new experience.

Beautiful Flowers

In college I read a book called "The 5 Love Languages" written by Dr. Gary Chapman. After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.

Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

I can honestly say this book changed my life. It just made sense and changed the way I express and interpret love. I confess, when I began to read this book, I approached it from a purely selfish point of view. I was so excited to see such a clearly defined example of how I express myself and why. It became clear to me that if somehow all the people who loved me could just read this book they would know exactly what to do to make me feel special and feel truly loved. But exactly how was I going to get everyone to read it and see what I saw? Hmmm.... I tried looking at it from a different perspective and saw glimpses of enlightenment of how I could convey my love to others in a way they could receive it better. I still couldn't figure out how to make others love me better, though.

While dating my husband and even into the beginning of our marriage it was no secret that we spoke different languages. I longed to hear him share his heart through mushy love letters or surprise me with loving romantic gestures such as sending flowers, making reservations, or just telling me how much he adored me. He on the other hand being practical to a fault had no natural inclination to do any of these things. There was no end to the things he would do for me, however. He has never once complained about helping with anything that needs done around the house. He has cooked, done the dishes, cleaned my stove, scrubbed the bathrooms, mopped the floor, washed the windows made the bed, changed diapers, fed babies, watched toddlers, given the girls their baths or any number of things that needed done or would lighten my load. Not to mention he has always emptied the trash, taken care of the yard and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have had to pump my own gas in the time we have been together. I truly appreciated all of these things and yet there would be times I still felt hurt and unnoticed. Finally a time would come and I would tell him how I felt only to feel awful because it would make him sad to think he'd hurt me. I knew without a shadow of doubt that he loved me and that he chose me even though my feelings deceived me.

Through the years I have spent much time in prayer, read many books, and have sought wisdom from others concerning my relationships with those I love. One very important thing I've realized is that no matter what happens between myself and another person I only have control over my own actions or reactions. Regardless of how I feel, I have to take it as from the Lord Himself. He arranges my environment and is in every detail of my circumstances and no one can do anything to me outside of His care for me and His desire to fulfill His purpose in my life. So even in my relationships and especially with my husband I needed to trust His love for me and give my feelings to the Lord.

I picked up "The 5 Love Languages" years later and read it again. This time after much growth in the Lord I received a completely different message. I began to appreciate the different love languages of the special people in my life and started accepting their expressions of love the way their heart spoke them. This was such a revelation to me. My husband and I will be married 14 years on the 16th of August. Over the years I have learned to embrace his gracious Acts of Service as the gifts of love that they are. I am overwhelmed at times at all the beautiful "flowers" he gives me through the many practical ways he cares for me daily. This is how he cherishes me and gives of himself because he loves me. Even sweeter still is that as our love continues to grow and as we are blessed with another day together we each become a little more bilingual.

Two Sides of a Blessing...

I remember the very moment each of my babies was first placed in my arms, and the way I felt my heart would burst, I loved them so much. With every part of my being I was humbled and in awe that each precious bundle was gifted to me specifically, a loan from God Himself, to fulfill His chosen purpose in each of our lives. Wow! What a joy and what an awesome responsibility. I knew in that moment, I was changed forever, and being a mother would be one of the greatest privileges ever given me. Only minutes later, however, as my physical fatigue began to set in, I became all too aware of how limited my human capacity was and that I would desperately need help from outside of myself to care for these needy little beings.

In my experience, NOTHING will expose your weaknesses and shortcomings quite like your children. It seems we have an innate ability to love our babies when they are born and we feel it when we are holding them, comforting them, watching them sleep, enjoying their cuteness, or indulging in moments of pride. This is the part of parenting we like to share with the people we talk to or write about on facebook. The truth is, parenting is alot of work and so much of what is required is not fun at all. Just like in marriage after the honeymoon, you soon realize that love is a decision and more about the many choices you make in spite of how you actually feel.

I have three toddlers, a four year old and two year old twins. Yes, they are cute. They bring me much joy and laughter, and fill my heart with pride. They are also very selfish, loud, and destructive and more times than I'd like to admit, I have found myself crying, running to my Mommy for comfort. Thankfully, each day has no more than 24 hours. Some days my girls aren't asleep for as many of those hours as I'd like but there comes a time every night when I see them sleeping and the details of the day are no longer important and I long to hold them. I am reminded once again of how blessed I am and know that after a good nights sleep and a few cups of coffee in the morning, I will be ready to embrace a new day, challenges and all.

Seasons Change...

I was tidying up the kitchen tonight after supper and was washing a few things at the sink. Nathan was reading to the girls in the other room so I found myself lost in thought while going through the motions of my mundane task. I happened to look up and on the shelf right in front of me something caught my eye. I have some decorative blocks that are glued together and each of the four sides represents a season. I realized it was still on WINTER and I thought to myself, "How sad, I missed the SPRING." As I said those words in my head, an even deeper meaning began to resonate in my heart.

Ecclesiastes 3 says, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven." I have often referred to various times of transition in my life as a season to try and give myself some perspective. Life is a series of transitions and change is certain just as the rhythms and design of the earth's seasons. It is inevitable. So many times, though, it seems I get stuck in whatever season I am in. I spend so much of my energy adapting and work so hard at surviving that I forget to expect a new season. Worse yet, is realizing that the Lord has blessed me with a fresh new season with it's unique beauty and never seeing it or being able to enjoy it for being consumed with my current reality.

Washing the Windows

I got a call early this morning letting me know I would be having some unexpected visitors. I was thankful for the call because it afforded me the opportunity to have myself, the girls and my house look a bit more presentable. After we were dressed I glanced around the house quickly to assess the priority. I swept the floor, washed the table, and counters, and opened the blinds, and front door in order to appear more welcoming. As the sun shone through the windows I was appalled at the grime that had built up. I quickly grabbed my spray bottle and paper towels and got to work. I wondered to myself just how they had gotten so dirty. I hadn't done anything purposefully to make them such a mess. It was just the natural result of everyday life. The kids hands and slobber, something splashing out of a cup, dust, wind, rain, etc..... It just happened and over time it had become difficult to see through the windows clearly even with the sun shining.

What a picture! Many times I have found myself trying to open up and let the Lord shine through me only to find a thick, built up film of selfishness, pride, bad attitudes, old disappointments and hurts muddling the view. I had good intentions and was trying to be obedient and express the Lord, however, I had not taken the time to be washed and by nature all these ugly things surfaced and built up over time. Oh, Lord, thank you for these pictures. Keep me coming to you in your Word each day, and keep me turning to you moment by moment, that I could be washed, so you are able to shine through me.

The difference a day makes...

Yesterday, we woke up early and took the girls out for breakfast. We wanted to celebrate as a family, my husbands new work schedule that would give us two days each weekend to spend together. Of course, you never really know what will happen when you take three toddlers anywhere. We took a deep breath and hoped for the best. To our delight they were happy and sweet and seemed eager to show the world just how well behaved they could be. We beamed, took pictures, and happily took them on several more errands throughout the day. When it was time for bed they fell asleep quickly and we sat down and smiled, feeling like such good parents. What a great day!

This morning, I stayed home from church, trying to pull our house together and do some extra cooking for some family members who have recently had surgery. I helped Nathan get the girls out the door to church and set about my work. Sundays are always hard because when we get home the girls are hungry and tired and it is way past their usual nap time. I thought they seemed to be handling it pretty good considering. The twins slept two hours and Kaley rested a few minutes. Nathan was pretty tired from the morning and I was beginning to get a bit frazzled trying to get everything done. We got our deliveries ready and loaded everyone in the van. Our first stop went smoothly but it was quick and I am the only one who got out. The second stop was at my in-laws. The girls were excited to see Granny and Grandpa. Granny had just come home from the hospital and we wanted to bring some food and say hi. I had let the girls know ahead of time that we wouldn't stay long because Granny needed to rest and that they couldn't get a bunch of things out and make a mess. They were good at first, then Kaley wanted something to eat and the twins were fighting over the pump organ. We decided we needed to leave before things got worse and it was almost dinner time.

Since it had been a busy day and the girls had been relatively good, we thought we'd be good parents and take them to Chick-fil-A to eat and play. We stopped at the house to get some socks and at that point Sophie began to have melt down, wanting out of the van. Thankfully it wasn't far away but unfortunately we forgot that they are not open on Sundays. We needed a quick plan B so reluctantly we drove to Burger King all the while listening to Sophie scream. Getting out of the van we hoped she would calm down and be okay. Not so. We hurry to order and suddenly Kaley has to go to the bathroom. I leave Nathan standing there holding the twins and take her. At some point I hear a child screaming and pray it is not Sophie. If I could hear her in the bathroom stall I could only imagine how loud she was up close. Leaving the bathroom I am certain it is Sophie and fight the urge to leave and pretend I don't know them. We get our food and are relieved when something as simple as a french fry stops the tears. That is until the twins see the slide. At that point it was a fight to get them to eat anything. Finally we go to play and notice it really isn't for two year olds. We weren't too worried because it didn't seem the twins would be able to even pull themselves up the stairs to play on the other levels. To our surprise and alarm, Zoe, pulls herself up and proceeds to the top. We are once again amazed at her strength and persistence. We ask Kaley to watch her and help her get to the slide which is on the opposite side. Zoe of course, wanted nothing to do with Kaley, and couldn't be more thrilled than to experiment with her new found freedom. After a while, when Kaley was tired of playing and Sophie was getting upset over being left out, it was evident we might have trouble getting Zoe down. She had no desire to come down. Finally, Nathan had to take off his shoes and climb part way up and coax her down. She began to cry and by the time we got to the van both of the twins were screaming once again. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and forget about this whole experience. I was exhausted and so embarrassed. We were those people you pray you don't see at restaurants and public places. Now we have come home, bathed them, and put them all in bed and I guess I should be thankful we only had to put the twins back in bed 6 times. It could've been worse.

It now seems that they are all asleep and I can finally hear myself think again. What a day! What happen? What did we do wrong? Are we bad parents? And as I sit back and begin to relax and reflect over the day, I am reminded of how heavy hearted I felt earlier in the day as I got news of someone I knew in college passing away. Even sadder still when I shared the news with another college friend who not long ago lost her precious little boy. I suddenly felt disgusted with myself. Here I was, feeling sorry for myself and being consumed with my selfish thoughts. It occurred to me that either of these precious families would give anything to spend even a very bad day with these loved ones they lost. I became overwhelmed with this realization. Did I really have anything to complain about? Oh Lord, forgive me for taking so many things for granted. What a difference a day makes. Now, I wonder, which was the better day? Yesterday went smoothly and I don't think I really took much time to even seek the Lord let alone thank Him. Today, I felt frazzled and like a failure and cried out to the Lord. I am ending this day with a heart full of thankfulness for those whom the Lord has blessed me with for now. What a difference a day makes.